I would like to list what I hope to accomplish in 2013–because putting these goals down gives weight to them and more accountability. But instead I have been shaped by what has happened today.
My morning spent with my baby sister at the doctor’s office, confirming what we already knew about a much-needed surgery. Hugging my nephew and giving him donuts–what better way to say I love you to an almost 13 year old for breakfast?
Then, a phone call from a family court client to whom I was appointed to represent–hoping she might get custody of her kids back, knowing that what I do next week may have some influence on that outcome. Feeling the emptiness of her home, and knowing that my cherubs are at home waiting for me.
Then tonight stumbling on a list of recommended blogs on the Momastery Facebook page and having one emerge from the list and grab me by the throat. An Inch of Gray. A son lost in a freakish accident playing near a flooded creek. Suddenly, a rushed bedtime to get ready for the first day back to school went out the window. I couldn’t spend enough time tucking my babies in tonight. So we kept playing tickle fight past my usual point. We did outloud story time with animated voices for the barnyard characters with laughter and oinks. Then I paused on the stairs of my daughter’s loft bed as she read, trying to remember every nuance of her face. Tucking her underneath her new pony sheets that I had to get for her once I found out they were the same images from our favorite book, The Sleep Ponies.
In this beautifully illustrated book, a horse-loving little girl settles in to sleep by summoning her special sleep pony, Whinny, and drifts off to slumber by imagining all the fun they have together. The trick? She first opens her eyes and tries to grab Whinny with her hands-no good. Instead, the book says, “So I remembered to hold ever so still, and open my heart instead of my eyes, and reach out with love instead of hands.” Love this.
Maybe what we want for 2013 is our Whinny. And the lessons are: Focus on what you love. Let it envelop you. But sometimes it has to come to you-you can’t grab it with hands. Dream it. Wrap it around you like a blanket. The final page? “Until I was back in my bed surrounded by the sweet scent of pony and a smile.” True joy.
I want more from 2013…want to demand more of myself. But maybe the specifics aren’t so important.
- I want to be better. And forgiving of myself when I’m not.
- I crave to grow deep in my faith.
- Less about “to-do’s” and more about “the who’s” and what I can do for them.
- More bliss and less stress.
- Be about the legacy
Maybe Nicole Nordeman said it best in the song “Legacy”
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
Want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
What better wish for 2013?